When You Stop Fighting, You Stop Living

 “Nothing good ever comes easy.” “No pain, no gain.” “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Cliché iterations of this motivational message can be found over ombre backgrounds on Pinterest and probably one too many t-shirts. But the version that has resonated most with me is my mom’s all-time favorite quote, “Failure is the pillar of success”. This was her go-to line to comfort and console me each time I fell short of my goals growing up. I’d hear it after auditions gone wrong, failed tryouts, disappointing test scores, and broken friend groups. It took me longer than I’d like to admit before I finally understood that my every setback was an opportunity for a critical lesson, providing me with the foundation to grow and improve. I wonder who I would be now, if not for the mistakes I made and the subconscious insights I picked up along the way.

Which raises the question, to what extent does our response to adversity reveal inner truths about our identity?

We all fight our own tiny battles on a daily basis. My hardest battle is most often simply pulling myself out of bed at 6:15AM and getting myself to school each morning (as I increasingly fall victim to the debilitating disease known as senioritis). However, these mundane, mini struggles cannot be filed under chronic adversity, which is instead defined as “a series of events that people perceive as stressful or overwhelming because these events may occur repeatedly, continuously, or accumulatively” (Zhang et al., 2017 as cited in Ding et al., 2018). While individuals assess what is “stressful” and “overwhelming” based on personal experiences, adversity is inevitable and universally faced. Ding et al. (2018) go on to further categorize social adversity into three types: social exclusion or alienation, overly controlling close family or working relationships, and weakness in social competition. One or more of these themes may resonate with you, or you may think of something entirely different when you hear “adversity”. Nevertheless, it is established that adversity is simultaneously highly individual and universally endured. Because of its pervasive nature, I believe it is imperative to dissect the hardships in life. Only by intentionally devoting time to introspection may we glean innate human truths.

I have found the clearest and most systematic way to go about answering this question to be the Bridges Transition Model. This model represents the inner psychological process for change and outlines three major steps in responding to adversity: “letting go of the way things were (Stage 1), managing the uncertainty and anxiety of creating a bridge between the old and new (Stage 2), and moving toward the way that things “should” be (Stage 3).” (Bies, Barclay, 2024).

Bridges Transition Model, William Bridges Associates Transition Management Leaders

1. Recognizing What Was Lost 

When you get charged with first-degree murder and sent to prison for life, the common assumption is that your life is over. That’s it, time’s up, you’re done. You had your shot at life and you blew it, literally, with a gunshot (or four more). But for Meursault in Albert Camus’ The Stranger, one could argue his life had only just begun upon being thrown in prison. Meursault, deeply apathetic and largely unrelatable, confuses readers with his unusual traits and questionable choices. But if we metaphorically peel back and peek underneath his unique brand of neurodivergency, we will find ourselves surprised to meet a man simply struggling in the face of adversity.  

Now, it’s time for you to meet One Tree Hill’s Brooke Davis: sixteen, fun, flirty, popular, rich, and beautiful. She checks off all the cliche high school fictional tropes – wild partier, cheerleading captain, and prom queen. So what kind of adversity could this stereotypical pretty little rich girl possibly have? Well, turns out, Brooke shares a similar depth of layers that Meursault has, with them both being severely misunderstood characters. I am of the firm belief that no good TV drama is complete without a cringe yet somehow addicting love triangle. Unfortunately for Brooke, her all-time best friend got with Brooke’s boyfriend not once, but twice while they were still dating on two separate occasions. A double betrayal like that is bound to do some serious damage, but this was the catalyst that sparked Brooke’s shift in character.    

2. Creating the Bridge

The second stage in this process is characterized by a period of uncertainty. You’ve acknowledged your hardships but a chasm lies between acknowledgement and acceptance. The bridge to peace is uncharted territory; a journey turbulent and chaotic, yet undeniably essential for the psychological process of healing. 

“The only way out is through.", English Literature Info FaceBook

It’s important to remember that no matter how depressing and dauntingly far the “other side of the rainbow” may feel, millenia of evolutionary biology have equipped humans with the ability of emotional self-regulation. As Kohrt et al. (2020) explain, “Because emotions evolved within social systems, emotional regulation is possible both within an individual and between individuals”. Just as every person faces unique challenges, each of us process emotions and overcome adversity in our own individual ways. Ding et al. (2018) highlight a few common human responses to stress such as the flight-or-fight theory, an evolutionary adaptation that forces us into a hypervigilant state; chronic heightened negative affect, a forced state of emotional numbness; and suppression of anger and frustration, resulting in aggressive outbursts that could lead to self harm. Meursault, Brooke Davis, and I have all come from different paths of life, shaped by our distinct past experiences, and therefore have our own response to adversity.

Meursault reflects on his initial days in prison as “really rough”, struggling with the loss of his physical pleasures and so desperate for the comfort of his cigarette he would even “suck on chips of wood” (Camus, 1988, p.78). In the blur of days that follow, he comes to realize that “... a man who had lived only one day could easily live for a hundred years in prison.” (Camus, 1988, p.80). He essentially drives himself nearly to the point of insanity, and in the process of trying to stretch time and occupy his mind, he reaches an absurd state of nirvana. The specific combination of conditions in prison – being stripped of his possessions, unable to keep track of time, and a spinning, empty mind – brought Meursault to the conclusion that “Nothing, nothing mattered.” (Camus, 1988, 121). That’s what it took for Meursault to release himself of his internal conflictions between himself and society, and bridge the gap to reach his happy place of healing.

Returning to Brooke Davis and all the high school drama that follows her, reveals an entirely different response to adversity. Brooke faces heartbreak twice, the effect of which leave her battling insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. High school is arguably the most critical, identity-forming period of life, when impressionable minds are preoccupied with labels and reputations seem to hold all the weight of the world. The loss of her best friend and her boyfriend tips Brooke into her fall from stardom status, which eventually turns out to be the best thing that could have happened to her. No one would have anticipated Brooke’s response to adversity to be: “There’s a day when you realize that you’re not just a survivor, you’re a warrior. You’re tougher than anything life throws your way.” And yet it was, because laying dormant under all the social pressures of high school is a version of Brooke that is empowered. 

Warner Bros. Television/The CW

3. The New Beginning

Thus far, adversity has been defined and identified, and varying responses have also been thoroughly discussed. The question still remains: what does this all have to do with revealing our identity? University of Michigan’s Dr. Stretcher (2024) puts it best: “Even amidst adversity and societal upheavals, it's purpose that directs people …. The heart of purpose lies not in its achievement but in its pursuit…  to find fulfillment in the paths we carve out of our circumstances. It's a universal journey that we navigate differently, but it's also within these aspirations that I find a collective thread that binds humanity.”

Unfortunately for Meursault, by the time he reached his “new beginning” and uncovered his purpose, he was already awaiting his end on his death row. Meursault ultimately achieves his sense of peace by accepting the absurd, as expressed in one of his final lines, “I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.” (Camus, 1988, p. 122). Meursault’s moment of philosophical clarity in which he realizes that nothing holds any meaning in life paradoxically brings him solace. Upon determining that he should stop demanding meaning from life, Meursault liberates himself from any metaphysical confines. 

Brooke Davis doesn’t quite achieve that transcendental level while in high school, but she does discover remarkable truths about herself. When met with her breaking point, she rediscovers her self-worth. By prioritizing herself and consciously putting effort towards displaying her most positive qualities – confidence, determination, and intelligence – she shows the world the true Brooke Davis that was hiding behind the simply pretty girl they used to see. In later seasons of the show, Brooke goes on to develop her own incredibly successful designer fashion label, proving her worth in the corporate world and staying to her roots by partying (in moderation), but now in New York City and L.A..

To what extent does our response to adversity reveal inner truths about our identity?

Meursault, Brooke Davis, and I share very little on the surface level. But a single look at a deeper level reveals that we have all been, in some way, forever altered by our challenging experiences. For better or for worse, we have learned hard truths that could only have been uncovered through an universal, inner psychological process.

I leave you with the reminder to accept the hardships of your past and present, recenter your focus towards overcoming struggle, and ultimately heal into the best possible version of yourself. As One Tree Hill’s protagonist Lucas Scott said, “Because it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are… The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has."